What to say in a first message (30 examples)

Why "hey" doesn't work

"Hey" isn't rude. It's just empty. It gives the other person nothing to answer, so all the work of starting a conversation lands on them. When someone gets a lot of messages, the ones with nothing in them are the easiest to skip.

A good first message does a little of that work for them. It shows you noticed something about them in particular, and it hands them an easy, fun way to reply.

A simple formula: notice, share, ask

1. Notice one specific thing: a photo detail, something they wrote, an interest you share.
2. Share a little of yourself, so it's a conversation and not an interview.
3. Ask one open question that's easy and fun to answer.

For example: "You hiked Angels Landing? I got halfway and my legs gave up. Was the view worth the chains?" It's specific, a little funny about yourself, and it ends with a question they'd enjoy answering.

30 first message examples

When their profile gives you something

1. "Is that your dog in the third photo? I need their name and at least one bad habit."
2. "You said you're learning to make pasta from scratch. What's the dish you're proudest of so far?"
3. "Okay, you've been to Lisbon. Best thing you ate there? I'm planning a trip."
4. "You play pickleball, so I have to ask: are you the competitive one or the one who's just there for fun?"
5. "Your bookshelf photo has a lot going on. Which one would you tell me to read first?"
6. "You wrote that you're a morning person. Convince me. What's the best part of 6 a.m.?"
7. "That concert photo looks amazing. Who was it, and was it as good as it looks?"
8. "You mentioned you're close with your family. Are you the funny one, the organized one or the one who's always late?"
9. "I'm curious about the painting in your last photo. Did you make it?"
10. "You love trying new restaurants. What's the one place you keep going back to anyway?"

Light and playful

11. "Important question before anything else: pineapple on pizza, yes or no?"
12. "Two truths and a lie, go. I'll guess, then do mine."
13. "Morning person or night owl? Defend your answer."
14. "What's your most useless talent? Mine is naming any song from the first two seconds."
15. "If we had one free Saturday, what's the plan? I'll judge it very fairly."
16. "Coffee, tea or chaos?"
17. "Rank these: beach day, museum, cooking at home, live music. No ties."
18. "What's a hill you'll happily die on? Small hills count."

A little more thoughtful

19. "What's something you've gotten really into lately?"
20. "What does a really good week look like for you?"
21. "What's a small thing that always makes your day better?"
22. "What's the best meal you've ever had, and who were you with?"
23. "What's something you're looking forward to this month?"
24. "What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? Did it go well?"

When there isn't much to go on

25. "Your profile is a mystery, so I'll start: I just burned toast trying to be fancy. How's your day going?"
26. "What's a question you wish people asked you more?"
27. "What song have you had on repeat lately?"
28. "Tell me one thing that isn't on your profile."
29. "What's your go-to comfort meal?"
30. "Best thing that happened to you this week? Tiny things count."

Want more? Our list of 60 questions to ask before a first date works just as well in chat.

What to avoid

• Comments about their body. Even a well-meant one can feel like you only looked at the photos. Compliment a choice instead: their style, their taste in music, a great photo spot.
• Copy-and-paste lines. People can tell, and it says you'd send the same thing to anyone.
• Five questions at once. It feels like a form to fill in. Ask one, and let the conversation grow.
• A wall of text. Two or three sentences is plenty to start.
• Asking for their number right away. Get a real conversation going first.
• "Backhanded" openers. Teasing that's really an insult rarely lands.

How to keep it going after they reply

Use the same rhythm: answer, add, ask. Answer what they asked, add a little of your own story, then ask something back. Try to match their length and energy. If they write two lines, don't send ten.

Follow-up questions are where real connection starts. "What made you pick that?" or "How did that go?" shows you're listening, which matters more than any clever opener. For more, read dating with intention.

If they don't reply

One friendly follow-up after a day or two is fine. More than that usually isn't. A missing reply is rarely about you: people get busy, apps bury messages, and some people are talking to a lot of matches at once. Let it go and put your energy into the next conversation.

How Fated makes the first message easier

On most apps, your message lands in a pile with dozens of others. On Fated you talk with one person at a time, so your message isn't competing with anyone. Each thread has a clock, which gives you both a reason to say something real. Their photo starts blurred and sharpens as you talk, so openers tend to be about who they are, not how they look.

And if you're stuck, Fated can help: send a question from Fated, or play a quick game together, like This or that, Rank it or Finish the sentence. Read how Fated works.